CONDITIONS OF MARRIAGE

By Melissa Coleman

1) Webster's Dictionary
mar·riage   n
The condition of being married; wedlock. A wedding ceremony.

2) The Catholic Encyclopedia
“The word marriage may be taken to denote the action, contract, formality, or ceremony by which the conjugal union is formed; or the union itself as an enduring condition.”

Please note that both of the above definitions refer to marriage as a condition, as in, “we have this condition, you see, it makes us act a little strange.”

Never-the-less, ours is a society of people, gay and straight, who are obsessed with this condition of marriage. Let's take a look at this condition more closely to see if we can make any sense of it. If we break it down, everyone pretty much falls into one of the following categories:

A) wants to get married
B) getting married
C) married
D) unmarried or divorced
E) swears will never get married

A) Wants to Get Married

Ever since age 13, the main topic of conversation among my girlfriends and I was how we were going to sucker some poor guy into marrying us.

We obsessed, analyzed, cried, stalked, and played hard to get (that only as a last resort on advice of the self-help book “The Rules”). Eventually some of us got married. I cried on the linen table clothes at a friend’s perfect wedding because I thought I would never be so lucky myself.

Then I got married.

Now I look with envy at my single friends (all names have been changed to protect the guilty) and think how exciting their lives are.

There’s Kate, who dates younger men, gets Brazilian bikini waxes and is contemplating joining a sex club.

There’s Fran, a hot top exec who goes through blind dates like chocolate bars and uses match.com like an escort service.

There’s Cara, who didn't bother about getting married to her boyfriend, just skipped ahead to having babies.

There’s Gabby, lining up outside the courthouse with her girlfriend in support of gay marriage.

They all think they want to move to the next category:

B) Getting Married

But then you have a whole new set of issues.

There’s Mary, who got engaged, then unengaged, then engaged again, but luckily lost enough weight on the roller coaster that the second time around she can fit into her mother’s heirloom wedding dress.

There’s Lee who’s spending $10,000 on the perfect dress, $50,000 on the reception and this is just a “simple wedding.”

Then there’s Leigh and Mike, both in their 40s and never married, who met and got engaged within the year. Will it really be the paradise they’ve chased for so long?

Pretty soon these folks will all be in the next category:

C) Married

There’s me. There’s some of you.

Let’s talk about the realities of this hallowed goal, just between us, for a minute.

When a man becomes a husband it’s a commonly known fact that he will never wash another dish. When a woman becomes a wife, she automatically turns into a nag.

When I first met my husband he had this cute habit of ...(your sappy thing here).

Now he has this annoying habit of ...(your gripe here).

Pretty soon everyone’s looking to join the next category:

D) Unmarried or Divorced

My parents. Everyone else’s parents. Everyone who got married before 25 (they call it a starter marriage).

If they’ve learned anything some of these people will decide to join the next category:

E) Swear to Never Get Married

However I’m drawing a blank on examples here. Most of my girl friends who swore they’d never get married are all married now. Me, for instance.

But here’s the funny part.

I love my husband and can’t imagine life without him.

My secret?

Well…… we’re not exactly married.

What with all the millions of things we had to do to plan our wedding, the dress, the caterer, the rings, we never actually got around to getting that silly little marriage license.